Not new, but still really good! Hannukah sameach!
30 minutes – check any Chanuka howto. But why 30 minutes?
The Talmud source is one sentence about the candle lighting "Its mitzvah is from when the sun sets until the foot is gone from the marketplace." (Shabbat 21b). The time when people are no longer in the street has been determined to be about 30 minutes (by the Rif in Shabat 9b, apparently).
Now, the sentence could mean two things, a point in time when the candles should be lit, or a duration. And whenever two opinions are possible, we have both: The optimal time for candle lighting is at sunset and the minimum time the candles must burn is the time between sunset and the time people are no longer in the streets (Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim 672:2, Mishne Torah, Chanukah 4:5).
And (of course) there is an opinion that nowadays one should light longer than half an hour because people are out on the streets for longer (Halachipedia: How long do Chanukah candles have to be lit). But most texts I have found stay with the 30 minutes.
Happy last day of hanuka!
This is my attempt at translating the second part of this Hebrew piece of satire about chanuka. I apalogize for any mistakess, neither English nor Hebrew is my native language. You can read the first part here.
The secular father explains:
– Dad, why did the Maccabees fight the Greek?
– Not now.
– Why not now?
– I’m watching basketball.
– But Dad!
– Ah… what does it matter. The important thing is that they won.
– Dad, in the Encyclopedia is written that they fought because they didn’t want to eat pork.
– That’s possible.
– And because of that there was that big a war?
– Look, pork has lots and lots of cholesterol, maybe the Maccabees were from the health crowd and all that.
– And because of that there was a war?
– These Maccabees of health, they can be pretty extreme.
– Why did the Greeks force them to eat pork?
– Because the religious make a big deal out of everything.
– The Maccabees were religious?
– What do you mean, no, the religious don’t go to the army.
– So how did they beat the Greeks?
– G-d helped them.
– But you said there is no G-d.
– There really isn’t.
– So, is there, or is there not?
– There isn’t. But they thought there is.
– Dad, I didn’t understand.
– What did you not understand?
– Whether there is a G-d.
– Go and ask Mum.
– Every time you don’t know something you send me to Mum.
– I know the important things. Whether there is a G-d, that’s not important.
– It is written that Yehuda Maccabi beat the Greeks in Beit Cholon.
– If that’s written, it’s written.
– Where is Beit Cholon?
– Far. It’s not in Israel, in America.
– Dad, Columbus only discovered America in the year 1492.
– You know that you are a nudnik [a person who’s bothering others]? It’s in the territories.
– But, dad, were the Maccabees settlers?
– I knew it. Why don’t you go and play with Shon? [שון?]
– Dad, next time we are at the Tiv Ta’am, will they force me to eat pork?
– If you continue with these questions, there will be no Festigal for you this year!
– But Dad, I am scared, I only have one sister.
– So what?
– The Maccabees were five brothers that fought together.
– Maybe you want to go and see Dora?
– I want to see Maccabi.
– Ok, we’ll see Maccabi.
– Dad, where are Maccabi / the Maccabees?
– The yellow ones.
– They are the Maccabi / the Maccabees?
– How are they called?
– Pfizer, Binum, Batista, Blothental and Cummings. [פייזר, ביינום, באטיסטה, בלות’נטאל וקאמינגס]
– Dad, you are annoying. That’s not the names of the Maccabees!
– Where are you going?
– To fight Greeks!
– You are not going anywhere!
– I want to be Maccabi, religious and a settler!
– Are you crazy?? You are not leaving the house! Did you hear?!!
– I’m joking Dad, relax. I’ll go with Shon to McDonald’s.
– Ah, good. Bring me a cheeseburger!
This is my attempt at translating the first part of this Hebrew piece of satire about chanuka. I apalogize for any mistakess, neither English nor Hebrew is my native language.
The Lithuanian charedi father explains:
– Dad, how did we beat the Greek?
– With the help of G-d.
– So why the Maccabees?
– They have just been the soldiers. G-d helped them and with his help they won, thanks to G-d.
– The Maccabees were soldiers?
– Ah… soldiers of G-d. The army of G-d.
– So they were Chabadniks?
– No! No! Chas veChalila!! They were Lithuanian!
– Did Yehuda Maccabi have a weapon?
– So Yehuda Maccabi was secular or a non-Jew?
– Chas veShalom, what do you mean secular or non-Jew?
– But only seculars and non-Jews go to the army.
– Formerly also the religious went to the army.
– Why did the Maccabees go to the army and we don’t?
– Because today the Torah is protecting us.
– At that time the Torah did not protect them?
– Why don’t you go and read some mishnayot with Moishe?
– Did the Maccabees learn mishnayot?
– They learned Torah, a lot of Torah.
– And they didn’t work?
– No, chas veShalom!
– So Antiochos gave them money?
– No. They worked and earned money here and there.
– Illegally, like uncle Yanki? [יענקי?]
– Yanki doesn’t work illegally!
– So what did Matityahu work?
– He was a farmer.
– Matityahu was Thai?
– G-d have mercy, what do you mean, why Thai?
– So how did he work in the field with a white shirt?
– On what basis do you say that he wore a white shirt?
– Moishe told me that a real Jew wears only white shirts.
– You spend too much time with this Moishe. But he is right.
– What did the Maccabees want?
– They wanted an independent Jewish state, that they themselves managed.
– Is that also what we want?
– Yes, but it is forbidden to say that. We are not zionists.
– Dad, I want to be a Maccabee, zionist and a soldier!!!
– Gevalt! What happened to you??
– I am joking, Dad, I will go to the performance of Shvaki (שוואקי?).
– Ah, good. Give my regards to Moishe’s family.