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This is my attempt at translating the first part of this Hebrew piece of satire about chanuka. I apalogize for any mistakess, neither English nor Hebrew is my native language.

The Lithuanian charedi father explains:
– Dad, how did we beat the Greek?
– With the help of G-d.
– So why the Maccabees?
– They have just been the soldiers. G-d helped them and with his help they won, thanks to G-d.
– The Maccabees were soldiers?
– Ah… soldiers of G-d. The army of G-d.
– So they were Chabadniks?
– No! No! Chas veChalila!! They were Lithuanian!
– Did Yehuda Maccabi have a weapon?
– Yes.
– So Yehuda Maccabi was secular or a non-Jew?
– Chas veShalom, what do you mean secular or non-Jew?
– But only seculars and non-Jews go to the army.
– Formerly also the religious went to the army.
– Why did the Maccabees go to the army and we don’t?
– Because today the Torah is protecting us.
– At that time the Torah did not protect them?
– Why don’t you go and read some mishnayot with Moishe?
– Did the Maccabees learn mishnayot?
– They learned Torah, a lot of Torah.
– And they didn’t work?
– No, chas veShalom!
– So Antiochos gave them money?
– No. They worked and earned money here and there.
– Illegally, like uncle Yanki? [יענקי?]
– Yanki doesn’t work illegally!
– So what did Matityahu work?
– He was a farmer.
– Matityahu was Thai?
– G-d have mercy, what do you mean, why Thai?
– So how did he work in the field with a white shirt?
– On what basis do you say that he wore a white shirt?
– Moishe told me that a real Jew wears only white shirts.
– You spend too much time with this Moishe. But he is right.
– What did the Maccabees want?
– They wanted an independent Jewish state, that they themselves managed.
– Is that also what we want?
– Yes, but it is forbidden to say that. We are not zionists.
– Dad, I want to be a Maccabee, zionist and a soldier!!!
– Gevalt! What happened to you??
– I am joking, Dad, I will go to the performance of Shvaki (שוואקי?).
– Ah, good. Give my regards to Moishe’s family.