This is my attempt at translating the second part of this Hebrew piece of satire about chanuka. I apalogize for any mistakess, neither English nor Hebrew is my native language. You can read the first part here.
The secular father explains:
– Dad, why did the Maccabees fight the Greek?
– Not now.
– Why not now?
– I’m watching basketball.
– But Dad!
– Ah… what does it matter. The important thing is that they won.
– Dad, in the Encyclopedia is written that they fought because they didn’t want to eat pork.
– That’s possible.
– And because of that there was that big a war?
– Look, pork has lots and lots of cholesterol, maybe the Maccabees were from the health crowd and all that.
– And because of that there was a war?
– These Maccabees of health, they can be pretty extreme.
– Why did the Greeks force them to eat pork?
– Because the religious make a big deal out of everything.
– The Maccabees were religious?
– What do you mean, no, the religious don’t go to the army.
– So how did they beat the Greeks?
– G-d helped them.
– But you said there is no G-d.
– There really isn’t.
– So, is there, or is there not?
– There isn’t. But they thought there is.
– Dad, I didn’t understand.
– What did you not understand?
– Whether there is a G-d.
– Go and ask Mum.
– Every time you don’t know something you send me to Mum.
– I know the important things. Whether there is a G-d, that’s not important.
– It is written that Yehuda Maccabi beat the Greeks in Beit Cholon.
– If that’s written, it’s written.
– Where is Beit Cholon?
– Far. It’s not in Israel, in America.
– Dad, Columbus only discovered America in the year 1492.
– You know that you are a nudnik [a person who’s bothering others]? It’s in the territories.
– But, dad, were the Maccabees settlers?
– I knew it. Why don’t you go and play with Shon? [שון?]
– Dad, next time we are at the Tiv Ta’am, will they force me to eat pork?
– If you continue with these questions, there will be no Festigal for you this year!
– But Dad, I am scared, I only have one sister.
– So what?
– The Maccabees were five brothers that fought together.
– Maybe you want to go and see Dora?
– I want to see Maccabi.
– Ok, we’ll see Maccabi.
– Dad, where are Maccabi / the Maccabees?
– The yellow ones.
– They are the Maccabi / the Maccabees?
– How are they called?
– Pfizer, Binum, Batista, Blothental and Cummings. [פייזר, ביינום, באטיסטה, בלות’נטאל וקאמינגס]
– Dad, you are annoying. That’s not the names of the Maccabees!
– Where are you going?
– To fight Greeks!
– You are not going anywhere!
– I want to be Maccabi, religious and a settler!
– Are you crazy?? You are not leaving the house! Did you hear?!!
– I’m joking Dad, relax. I’ll go with Shon to McDonald’s.
– Ah, good. Bring me a cheeseburger!